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Sometimes I feel like I should come with a disclaimer. . .

Some of you long-term followers and readers may remember that I made an announcement in April about something I’ve been struggling with personally for a long time. It was a freeing experience to talk it, and while some may think it’s not something appropriate for a public forum, I received nothing but support. If you’re new and wondering what I’m talking about, I’m speaking of my post for Crime Victims’ Rights Awareness Week.

It’s something I still struggle with on a regular basis, but it’s certainly not the only thing I struggle with. Last year, when I first started going to my psychologist–for what I thought were some pretty minor issues–I was diagnosed with severe depression and severe anxiety disorder and given a preliminary diagnosis of PTSD. That’s a lot of news for what was supposed to be a simple chat. I could have denied it all, called the psychologist a fraud who was only after my money or reaching for an extreme diagnosis, but since I barely paid more than $10 a session and had no insurance, I doubt it was really a financial interest to create a long time patient out of me. Plus, for the first time a lot of things I’d been experiences began to make sense–in a pretty f*#@ed up way, but still . . .

I’ve suffered with many of the symptoms most of my life, and depression is pretty common in my family. I used to cut myself, and sometimes still feel the need. Luckily, I haven’t done it in more than 7 years, but I can still become destructive.

Why do I admit all of this? Are they things that should be kept personal? Locked away in a closet somewhere to keep them from prying or judging eyes?

Maybe, but what does that help? Who feels better knowing that they have something to hide? A blemish they’d rather the world never see. . .

I’m talking about it now, because I’m having a relapse. Writing and blogging are what I do, and what I love. It’s my outlet and while sometimes the work certainly gets overwhelming, I can handle that. Second we have school–studying Library and Information Sciences because what can I really do with a MA in History besides get a PhD? Well, the program makes me feel like a freshman–it’s “busy work” and it makes me a little crazy. I’m beginning to rethink that whole venture. And, then there’s my day job, which lately has been my day, night, and weekend job. I love what we do, but it’s what’s putting me over the edge.

One major rule for someone with sustainability to a chemical imbalance in the brain-stay on a regular sleep schedule–hard to do when I’m in a different time zone, working 10+ hours a day for a 3 day retreat. And, this is the kind of thing my job will require on a regular basis. So, what’s there to do? I haven’t figured out the answers, nor am I sure that I will. I do feel like I’m being a whiny child–there are others also running this retreat and they’re not falling apart. But, I am. I’m falling apart in more ways than I can describe to someone who has never experienced it.

So, sometimes I feel like I should come with a disclaimer–WARNING: This person could fall apart at the drop of a hat!

What am I supposed to do? When am I supposed to disclose my condition? Is it a condition I should be ashamed of? Because, honestly I am, and yet I’m disclosing it to the world–or nearly. Because, I doubt I’m alone. I doubt I’m the only one who has experienced it. And, because hiding it is more than I have the energy for right now.

9 Responses to "Sometimes I feel like I should come with a disclaimer. . ."

Night-flyer, Tracy says:

August 10, 2012 at 3:51 am

First off, let me say how sorry I am that that happened to you and even more sorry that people said it was your fault. *hugs* But I’m very glad you’re seeing someone and getting help because you should never think that rape is your fault. As for the depression, it’s a long standing companion of mine, so I can understand some of what you’re going through. We are writers and that’s what we do, whether it’s a poem, a short story, a novel, or just how we feel, and I think writing is very therapeutic. There’s no shame in writing about how you feel or what you’re going through. I wish I could part some great wisdom to make you feel better, but…yeah…not likely to happen, but I am here if you ever need to talk or if you want my email just dm me on twitter or pm me at AW. *Big Hugs* friend. I wish only the best for you, <3

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1. Felicia Wetzig says:
  
  August 10, 2012 at 10:31 pm
  
  Thanks Tracy! Always great to talk to you, wish we could do it more.
  
  Reply
sydneyaaliyah says:

August 10, 2012 at 5:08 am

Hi Fel, It is great that you can be so open and honest in this forum. Just to remind you that I am 100% in your corner and any way I can help, let me know. You give so much of yourself there is nothing wrong with you saying it is to much to handle right now. You are allowed. I can related to the idea of it taking more energy to keep a secret then it does to disclose it and deal with. Do what you have to do to and deal with it how you have to deal with it to get better?

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TermiteWriter says:

August 10, 2012 at 5:01 pm

I don’t know you well, Felicia, but I’ve admired your (what seems to be) boundless energy, your tenacity, and your intelligence ever since I started to follow your blog. I’m no psychologist and I’ve never experienced the kind of depression that seems so rampant these days, but I am about 45 years older than you are, so I do have some experience to draw on. I’m not a person who believes that age brings wisdom (just the opposite, probably!), but it does bring perspective. And I have never understood this modern multitasking thing. Trying to do three things at once was not something I could ever do. If I was going to school, I studied. If I was working, I worked (and wrote in the evenings and weekends). After my mother had her stroke, I had to give up the writing; I couldn’t work full-time AND take care of her AND write – something had to go. I think you’ve way over-extended yourself; maybe keeping frenetically busy is a way to keep one’s mind away from the things one would rather not think about.
I’m a librarian as you know, and that work suited me. The MLS program I took was a full-time one-year program, very intense. It had its boring and useless courses, but basically it was quite absorbing. If you aren’t feeling fulfilled in librarianship and if you’re just doing it as a way to make a living, maybe you should drop it and focus on the field you’ve recently gone into, which you seem to enjoy (if you didn’t have so many conflicting demands), and your employer seems to like your work. That would give you more time for your writing and blogging.
You’ve mentioned being married. I hope your husband gives you good support.
I’m not trying to be intrusive here, Felicia, but as I said, I admire you and I always worry about the people I like. I want those people to have happy lives!

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1. Felicia Wetzig says:
  
  August 11, 2012 at 12:25 am
  
  I’ve always had a lot going on, that’s for sure. I’m only spending 5-8 hours a week at most on classes, because I’m currently only in 1 at a time, unless they overlap and I have 2 for a couple of weeks. I thought I would enjoy the classes more as time went on and get more out of it, but I’m not really. I don’t know if that’s my state of mind, an indication that this isn’t my field, or the fact that I’m still in the “introductory” classes rather than specialty classes. I could certainly cut that part out and have a bit more time.
  What worries me right now is the increased time my job will require me to begin traveling and attending events. I’ve worked 50 hours so far this week and I still have to work all day tomorrow. All of which is paid under salary so I don’t get a darn thing for the extra hours. I’ll have 1 day off before I return to work again on Monday. The second problem with all of that is, I can’t stay on a regular sleep schedule. Just getting off a few hours tends to have a profound effect and over the course of a few days in a different time zone, it just gets worse. I don’t just get tired or exhausted–I become nearly unable to function.
  I predict a lot of tough choices coming my way, although the one thing I cannot give up is the writing.
  
  Reply
  1. termitespeaker says:
    
    August 11, 2012 at 8:53 pm
    
    Two additional remarks: Yes, I hate salaried jobs that require you to devote your all without compensating you extra. I quit one job (not a library job) partly because they wanted me to switch from Support Staff (which required only a flat 8 hours a day) to a position where I would be required to work however many hours it took to get the job done. So you probably want to think about that situation. If you want most of all to be a writer, you have to cut the rest of your activities in order to leave yourself time to do a decent job of the writing. Personally, I think writing would be a priority thing.
    And then the sleep situation. It ‘s so important to get enough of it, and on a regualr schedule. Everything becomes easier when you’re rested. So as you say, you do have some thinking to do. I’ll be thinking about you, too. If you should ever want to email me, I think my address will show up in the blog’s records.
    
    Reply
    1. Felicia Wetzig says:
      
      August 13, 2012 at 10:41 pm
      
      Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and giving me your feedback. It’s really helpful to get insight outside of my own emotional knee-jerk reactions.
      We’ll see where things go, and in the meantime, it’s great to know I have a group of supporters who will give me honest feedback when I need to talk.
      
      Reply
amschultzcom says:

August 11, 2012 at 7:57 am

“because what can I really do with a MA in History besides get a PhD?”

If I had a dollar for every time I heard that (usually inside my own head)…

As for everything else, be the person, not the disorder. Throughout our lives, we are going to have our highs and we are going to have our lows, and those highs and lows and mids combined make up the totality of our beings. Whether we have PTSD, OCD, IED, DID or anything else found in the DSM-IV (or V soon), it is part of who we are. That is nothing to be ashamed of.

It sounds like you are doing everything you can to transcend this, and that, in itself, should be considered a victory. If you were allowing it to get the best of you without putting up a fight, then yeah, maybe be ashamed a little. But you are active, and in the midst of noble pursuits. I don’t see a white flag waving anywhere.

“So, sometimes I feel like I should come with a disclaimer–WARNING: This person could fall apart at the drop of a hat!”

I think that is a sign we should all carry, then. We live with ourselves every second of every day. If we knew the struggles other people dealt with — many of which were self-imposed — I think we would be much more at easy, as a society. The “perfectly balances person” is merely an illusion maintained to make money.

Keep your head up, and press forward

Signed,
The black-and-white hat photo guy who tries to play the confidence card but couldn’t sleep last night because his current WIP might never sell because it doesn’t have vampires.

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1. Felicia Wetzig says:
  
  August 13, 2012 at 11:00 pm
  
  This really made me smile! Thanks! Sometimes I’m tempted to get out that white flag, but you’re right. I won’t give up on what I’ve worked for because of something I’ll look back at and realize was just a temporary setback. It’ll take some effort to overcome, changes will be made, and I’m sure the process will be uncomfortable, but hopefully I’ll come out all the better and wiser.
  
  “The black-and-white hat photo guy who tries to play the confidence card but couldn’t sleep last night because his current WIP might never sell because it doesn’t have vampires.”
  Don’t worry, sometimes I can’t sleep because I fear my WIP will never sell because it *does* have vampires.
  
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